I do (not) Love You Allah by Apostate Aladdin
I love you, Allah
The day I am born is the day I first hear of you.
Allahu Akbar!
You name is the first thing to enter my ear.
I am too young to comprehend it. Of cause. But you have just been assigned to me for the rest of my life.
I am getting used to hearing your name. Its embedded in human names, in my language, in the call to prayer I hear every single day.
You are building block in the foundation of my life, in my family, meaning, propose and even wonder.
You are real to me even before I became aware of what reality was.There was no reason to doubt your existence.
I wouldn't doubt it any more than I doubt my mother when she warned me about hot stove. In fact it is my mother and my father who first told me about you.
I suppose I am letting you borrow some of their good will because I trust you the way I trust my parents.
I love my parents therefore I love you Allah.
In some ways you are the hot stove-top. You can burn me if I don't act right around you. Or you could provide me with my mother's delicious food. So I guess it isn't all bad. I just have to know how to act around you.
I have to learn your particular like or dislikes all the while I navigate my formative years. Please help me do that.
(Early Adolescence )
Forgetting about you and your somewhat overbearing rules makes me feel so much shame, guilt and fear. After all, I have reached that critical point of my development where my reproductive organs started doing their things. Which apparently means I am now eligible for the hell. No longer do I have the innocence of a child. I am now subject to the full extent of your wrath.
I better not lose focus of you...,and hell or I might end up in it.
Can you see why you are always a consideration in my life ? Always a priority ? I mean how can I ignore the sole purpose of my existence ?
You made it perfectly clear that you wield a lot of burning power and that you're not afraid to use it. You been very descriptive about your torture methods,making them clearer than a lot of other rules of yours.
Yet..., I try to ignore all that because I still love you..or do I ??
Do I love you, or are you just a necessary prerequisite in my understanding of the world ?
May that wouldn't be the case had I been born somewhere else. Of course I don't know that yet.
So, did i truly love you or was I forced to try to love you ? What is love ? Love is hard to define, I know that much.
I love my family, I love the stray cat I feed and be friend. I love running. I love food. But if any of those things continuously hurt me physically or emotionally, the love I have for them should be reassessed. Had my family been abusive I would have a hard time loving them. Had stray cat attacked me every time I fed it, probably would have kept feeding it however I might not love it. When running hurt my knee eventually I stopped loving it. You get the point.
YOU, however.., you are akin to a good teacher who nonetheless shouts in class every single day. No matter how great of teacher you are, no matter how much you favor me, the mere mention of you stresses me out. Your recurring anger and threats confuse me. I thought anger issues were not good thing. How could a perfect teacher have anger issues ? I suppose its one o those things that my young, limited mind can't yet grasp..,may be someday.
You constantly threaten the class with everything you have done to other classes before us. Yet everyone around me seems to love you. And I still love you. What other choice do I have ?
Please.., please help me to love you.
( Teenage Years)
My Curiosity about you the world keeps growing. I ask a lot of questions since I am very inquisitive about how everything works, and you are always at the center of it. Even when you seemingly have nothing to do with explanation you are shoehorned in as the initiator of everything.
It is very self-evident at this stage of my life.
You are the reason natural disasters happen and the reason they don't. You are the reason my country is lagging behind. I told its because my people are being tested. You are the reason some children are born with horrible defects or suffer through a debilitating disease like cancer. I am told it's to test their parents. You are the reason people are cured of cancer. Chemotherapy works but only because you let it.
You are the reason birds migrate in de winter. Lifting up in the air, guiding them. Of cause I eventually learned that they used the earth as magnetic field to guide themself and they lifted up in the air by the pressure difference between region of their wings. You didn't tell me any of that but I will let you take credit for it anyway.
The alternative is disbelief in hellfire and teenage me is not ready for that yet. I don't know if you love me but you clearly love you hell. That is right , YOUR hell. You engineered it and judging by how much you boast about it. You seem proud of that!
You made it knowing exactly who is going to suer in it for you you followers enjoyment as per your own admission.
Some o the resident of hell were enemies o you beloved prophet, some were awful people meant to harm others, but majority simply didn't believe in you, at least not in the way that you wanted. That puzzls me. It terrifies me. I am thinking that I must try to save as many of those people as I can from you hell because you did a lousy job proving your existence. Because you already sealed their fate, knowing exactly where they'd be born and what they believe. Knowing every single thought they will ever have and why they had it.
This, this getting confusing. I hope you don't punish me for my thought crimes. I cant control them. Please help me control them. Help me get rid of the so-called devils that are making me have these thought...
I am broken, I am broken because I don't understand you.
( Adulthood )
I presume that you'd never lie to me. But lie you did. I am meeting so-called haters and enemies. Most of whom don't care for Arabic imagine. You are to them as what the Hindus god are to me ; utterly nonsensical and irrelevant. They do not hate you because you are not exist in their world. The disbelievers, polytheist,secularist and homosexuals aren't trying to get a rise out of you. You are simple out of their picture, and who's to blame for that ? I thought it was my fault or the fault of ummah for not spreading Islam like you told us to. But its starting to down on me. Why I am running your errands or you ? Especially when the stakes are this high. Why is de job of imperfect humans to convince other imperfect humans o this wild story of yours ? All the while you are nowhere to be found except in every gap in our primitive knowledge.
The least you could have done is leave me an airtight religion. I used to think islam was bulletproof til I realized that I have been trying to plug the holes myself this whole time. I am tired of doing the math only to realize that you are coming up short and supposed to pretend that I don't notice.
I am tired of trying to love hypothetical entity that drives after my desperation attention and fear.
I am tired of trying to love an narcissist, an arsonist. An arsonist with a torch in his hand ready to drop it on my house whenever he decides to.
I am so damn tired of trying to find the most elusive man in the universe so I can begin to understand his convoluted ways. May be you are the one who's trapped in hell. You have inflicted so much harm because of this little play of yours. I dont think I could top that in a lifetime. If I ging to hell, I suppose I will see you there. You dont scare me any more allah. You were a flawed and deeply troubled character but checks out. You are just a pigment of man's imagination.
I DO NOT LOVE ALLAH, and frankly I dont understand how anyone could.
Sincerely , you ex-slave.
Source : Apostate Aladdin